closeyoureyes

steelers

2006-09-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

Steelers were a bit disappointing last night. Ben didn't look too great, and their offense wasn't moving the ball at all. I think our offense is our biggest weakness this year, especially our running game. And if we can't get anywhere on the ground, I don't we'll be able to pass much either.
Defense was great though, really held together even though it got little rest and had to deal with two turnovers.
I still have hope that when Ben gets healthy our passing game will be better, but I'm not sure how our running game can really improve with who we have on the sidelines.

lehrer

2006-09-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

in his interview with Bill Frist, R-TX, says:

"Lemme make sure I understand what you're saying, Senator Frist, you're saying that the Democrats are waiving the white flag to the terrorists, and are surrendering? That's what they want to do?"

AH!
Granted, Lehrer's has the requisite incredulity that I would find appropriate in response to Frist's comments, but man. I just can't believe that such blatantly inflammatory and inaccurate rhetoric is being tossed around these days. Does anyone want to waive the white flag to the terrorists? Come on, now!

student council, identity

2006-09-14T17:27:00.000-07:00

I got elected to the 'student council' here, which is nice. I'm not really sure what kind of power the body has, but I'm more than willing to do all I can.
Also, a side-effect of seeing my peace corps friend recently was to throw my identity into question. I mean, just six months ago I was a completely different person: alone in a small village, working eight hours a day, spending almost all of my time alone, and pretty much lost as to who I was. Now, well, I at least project an image of being more-or-less put-together, although I guess if you look close enough you see the remnants of my past, maybe.
So, part of me wonders how stable and/or permanent the 'new' me is. I guess a lot of who we are depends on our context, and from that perspective the new me is in some sense here to stay. But might pieces of my history start showing more clearly? Only time will tell.

it's so early

2006-09-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

Class is starting, 8:15, come on now.
I feel better than I imagined I would. Went out and met some Peace Corps Volunteers in San Francisco, ate at this amazing veggie restaurant, Greens. So great. One of the best meals I've eaten in a long time (excluding Indian food, which is in kind of its own category for me).
Great conversation too. It was the first time since I've gotten back from El salvador that I've seen a volunteer, and it bought back some memories, bad and good. It's weird how much my relation to them was based on our common experience in El Salvador. I only know them in that context; 'us' in the states is a completely different entity. Still a nice one, of course, but I wasn't expecting our relationships to be so different. But I guess it makes perfect sense...

update

2006-09-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

Law school's going pretty well, I must say. It reminds me of the peace corps in that it's pretty much impossible to know what you're getting into when you join, so to some extend it's a matter of chance as to whether you end up in a place you like or not. And, in that respect, I feel that I've gotten pretty lucky.

Another reason that I feel relatively lucky is that I'm either ok or happy with (almost) all of my professors. Needless to say, many have been less fortunate. For me though, I feel blessed. I can stick with most of my profs, find them pretty interesting.
Activities haven't started up yet, and that should both be really interesting and maybe make life more stressful. We'll have to see how that goes...

one week down

2006-09-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

So, first week is done. My reflections: first couple of days was really tough. Readings, scary classes, intense classmates. Then I broke out. Just tried to step back, take it easy, talk to some good friends. I'm feeling great now, but am also wary of these emotional swings.
I'm at my auntie's house now, and it's soso nice to be off campus. Also, it's wonderful to be with close family, as opposed to alone or with basically strangers on Stanford campus. I've even gotten a fair amount of work done here so far (and a delicious meal).
Not sure about other thoughts. I want to hold off any judgments about law school for a while. People say that the learning curve is steep; I've already felt that I read cases a million times better than I did before this week.
Oh yea, working out is still going fine. Been getting out every morning pretty much. And got a bike (which is scary to ride) so that I'll have a couple more minutes in the morning to get ready.
So, I hope to keep this blog up. Should happen.

moving in

2006-08-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

So I spent hours today cleaning my room/finishing moving in. It took a long time, it wasn't fun. But the place is so different now. I guess I knew it would be, which is what motivated me to clean it up. I spend a lot of time in my room because I study here, and so it was really important for me to have a clean place.
So anyway, let's hope that we can keep it this way...

good times

2006-08-27T08:11:00.000-07:00

So, classes start tomorrow. Big day I guess. We'll see how it goes.
Orientation has been pretty great. As I think I said before, these people are smart. So articulate, very skilled in argumentation. It makes me think and take my beliefs to a higher, deeper level, even though at times I want to just believe as I do without looking too close.
As fun as it has been though, I can completely see how the experience can/will be isolating. Especially work. It's hard, slow stuff. And even though everyone else is going through it at the same time, you're the only one in your own head.

orientation

2006-08-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first day of orientation, and I must say that I'm pretty excited/optimistic about the whole endeavor. The people here are so smart. I mean, I've always been around people that are smarter than me, but never so many that are so much smarter. I feel truly blessed that I stopped defining myself by how 'relatively smart' I was, because by those standards I'd be feeling like a runt at this point.
At the same time, I am trying my darndest to keep my head on straight. As somewhat of a Buddhist, I think that we ought not get caught up in joys or sorrows; both have their time, both come and go, and we must remain calm and composed throughout. So, I recognize that there are some good things happening, more or less, right now, but still, I'm trying not to hype it up.
I also worked out this morning, weight workout. Went very well. Gym was pretty empty, but that very well may change once the undergrads get here. I hope that by hitting it at opening time (6:30) I'll be able to avoid the masses.

disturbing implications

2006-08-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

I've had the experience in the past couple years of realizing that the things I believe have implications that are difficult to accept.
The biggest example (at least in the past) was my beliefs regarding human autonomy (or its relative lack thereof). As I thought more and more about what it meant for humans to possess the degree of freedom that they do, I realized that other belief systems of mine had to be compromised, most noticably regarding morality.
I've had similar thoughts in recent days regarding moral relativism, in which I also believe. More specifically, I am beginning to understand that much work in international development (and social justice work in general) presupposes an idea of what is 'good.' For better or worse, many people who beleive in justice see a situation that they deem 'bad,' and then intervene in the attempt to make it 'better.'
On the one hand, I never saw this as too much of a problem because it doesn't seem too controversial to designate human suffering as 'bad.' Yet, the deeper I look and the longer I watch, the more I see that this may be just as controversial as any other moral question.

myth

2006-08-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

I've been watching this series of interviews with Joseph Campbell, and am finding it really fascinating. To me it's especially appealing because I don't believe in the absolute truth of any spiritual system, and thus am more amenable to analyzing religions in terms of 'myth.' In fact, from this viewpoint at least for me religioun can take on all the more powerful a meaning because I am recognizing it for what it is as opposed to simply writing it off for what it can never be.
I guess the problem, at least for now, is that I feel that my ideas are in a flux; I'm not quite sure about what I believe is good, or right, or the proper way to lead one's life. As much as myths can provide that for us, I guess I need to figure out some things first before I can fully embrace any grander stories about existence.

stilted

2006-08-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

It's been pointed out to me in the past that at times I have a stilted manner of speaking. When I am trying to express what seems to me is a very subtle concept, nuanced, somewhat vague, I tend to pause a lot in mid-sentence, choose words oddly, and sometime be unclear as to what exactly I'm trying to communicate.
To me, that's just par for the course. A lot of my thoughts are unclear, and there's no best way to express myself in words. And maybe my hesitation and breaks get across the point that, honestly, the issue isn't completely clear to me either. Things are complicated, right?
But at the same time, I imagine that it's a good skill, especially for a lawyer, to communicate clearly and without ambiguity. We'll have to see how that works out.

similar idea

2006-08-14T17:33:00.000-07:00

There was this yahoo group set up for incoming 1Ls at Stanford Law, and I was inspired to write a sort of 'mock intro' for myself, which went as follows:

"

On the lighter side…

Hello friends. My name is ------ and I’m from ---------. I’m often charged with “trying to be funny,” and this post will be no exception.

Some irreverent answers to questions I posed to myself:

1. What most excites you about living on the West Coast for the first time?

Well, from a very young age I was interested in gaining a deeper understanding of why it was that the Beach Boys’ lead singer Mike Love wished, and I quote, “they all could be California girls.”
When I first heard those lyrics as a brown-eyed, bushy-haired 6 yr-old, the first question that came to my mind was: “To whom exactly is the phrase ‘they all’ referring?” On face it seemed like M-Lo was speaking of all girls, thus wishing that all young females would be of the California sort. However, given everything I knew about Mickey L, my gut told me that he had something very different in mind, a much bolder yet somehow still understandable desire: that they ALL, that is to say, everyone in the entire world except Mike Love himself, be a Cali-girl. Why? Because that would make him and him alone the sole XY on the entire planet, perforce obliging him to repopulate the Earth by frolicking and gallivanting with hoards of CA XXs.
Needless to say, under this interpretation of the BeBoy’s immortal words, a thorough exploration of CA and all it has to offer seems like it’ll be a blast.

2. How did you first become interested in law?

It all started after seeing this movie called The Devil’s Advocate. As you may recall, in the opening scene Kevin Lomax - played by the endlessly talented Keanu Reeves - traumatizes this teenage witness on the stand by haranguing her about a disparaging picture she drew of her high-school teacher (Reeves’ client who is clearly guilty of molesting her), effectively destroying her credibility in the eyes of the jury. The really inspiring part, for me at least, was that even after viewing his client “self-gratifying” while hearing the teen recount the deeds of which he is accused, Reeves stays strong and sticks to his guns about what he knows is morally abhorrent although legally permissible, refusing to let his conscience get in the way of presenting his client’s case to the best of his ability.
Man, if some day I could be so dedicated to my work that my personal beliefs were irrelevant, then…well, wow. Mom and dad would be so proud.

3. Do you feel that come August you’ll be prepared for your first year?

To be honest, I was a bit nervous about being in a group of such smart and talented people at SLS, especially since it’s not quite clear why I was included. So to calm my nerves and to make sure I was as prepared as I could be, I did the following:

a. Attended “Law Preview” sessions from June 26-July 1 in Atlanta, July 17-22 in Boston, July 31-Aug 5 in Chicago, and August 7-12 in Philadelphia. (learned something new each time)
b. Wrote ingratiating e-mails introducing myself to all Stanford Law Faculty, the editors of the Law Review, and each of the 9 justices of the US Supreme Court (for whom I’d like to clerk next summer)
c. Was an actual first-year law student at University of Pittsburgh School of Law last year, to see what it’s “really” like, so that this time around there won’t be any surprises.

And you know what? Surprisingly, I feel pretty ready.

In closing, I’m living in ----- next year, I look forward to meeting you all, and I hope you found at least some of this amusing.
"

Again, a forum in which most people talked about themselves in a candid fashion. I just, I dunno, wanted to try and write something humorous. Maybe it's just because that's something I don't get to do often enough.

wedding toast

2006-08-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

This is the text of the toast I gave at my bro's wedding (with the names taken out, for no particular reason):

"
Hello, everyone.

I was actually out of the country when my brother asked me to make a toast today, and
We must have had a bad connection, because the first thing I thought to myself, was,
“Of course I can make toast man, if that’s what you really want.”
Alas, that’s not what he wanted, and uh, a lot of good bread went to waste,

Anyways, I’ve known my brother some twenty odd years, and one thing I’ve learned in that time is that he’s very intelligent, he’s a smart man. I first realized this when we were really young, because he wouldn’t pick on my like most older brothers do, instead he would deftly trick me intro picking on myself, ya know?
Like, when we were little, he had this game, where he’d be like, “----, Let’s see who can pull our underwear over our heads the fastest.”
I’d be like, riiiiiiiiiiiiiippp “I win! I win! Look at me! Yay!!”

Somehow I always won that game.

Anyway, I think that another illustration of my brother’s intelligence is his choice in a life partner. In all honesty, I really believe that ---- and -------- complement each other, ya know? I think that each one’s strengths will really be an asset to the other.
I can picture it in my mind now, both of them sitting at home in the evenings, my brother looking over a draft of -----’s latest book, debugging it, and -----, of course, pointing out the subtle yet telling post-colonial influences manifest in my brother’s software programs. It’ll be great.

Anyway, in closing, I’d say, ya know, to both of you, ------- and -----, I wish you the best of luck in the future. Take care of each other…uh, stay in school, doing good so far on that count.

And, Mom and dad, take note, get me one like her.

"

The one critique I heard about it, which I think is perfectly legitimate, is that strictly speaking it's not entirely accurate. The whole 'underwear game' is an entire invention, and it's not even clear that my brother really picked on me much when we were kids. The rest as far as I'm concerned is true.
I guess I took this point to heart because, in some sense, I decided to take the 'entertain' approach to it more than the 'communicate' approach. I'm not sure how else to put it. Maybe I felt that I didn't have much to say, so I'd just have fun with it?
Deeper down though, I think I have an aversion to taking certain (most) things seriously. I don't really know why. Also, I think that my strong interest in stand-up comedy made me anxious to try out writing some new material.

journey

2006-08-14T06:46:00.000-07:00

So I'm in CA now, Los Angeles to be specific. My brother's wedding reception was a coupled days ago, and I thought it was really great. It was mostly his wife's family and friends (given that we're from the East Coast), but regardless it was very well-executed, beautiful, and happy.
Things out here are just astonishigly different than from Uniontown, PA where I've been for the past couple months. There are a significant number of hispanic and east asians around; Uniontown has negligible non-caucasian populations. I guess New York was diverse also, but it's been years since I've been an undergrad, and since El Salvador was pretty homogenous also, it's been a while since I've been in a motley crew of any sort. In addition, the people here seem to be much more health conscious (and environmentally conscious, maybe even politically). The priorities just seem to be a bit different I guess, which is fine.
Random note: when I was in the airport on the way here, I was waiting in line at the gate to board the flight. At one point I put my bag down in line and sat in a chair to eat some food. When I got back in line, the person behind me got somewhat agitated because he I guess forgot I was there. I insisted that I had in fact been in line there, got back in that spot, and he was pretty unhappy about that.
As I waited in line, I quickly started wishing that I had just let the guy in front of me. One spot in line is just so irrelevant. And I think that my justification, that "I was right," was not a point I really needed to make or stand by. In fact, I've come to believe that it rarely leads me to act in ways that I fully endorse. Because honestly, so often it matters so little who's right and wrong in these sorts of social situations, and maybe we can instead just strive to maintain some peace and get along.

friends

2006-08-09T06:46:00.000-07:00

I talked to a really good friend last night from the Peace Corps, and I just find his approach to life amazingly inspiring. It's not that he motivates me to do my best, to change the world, or to keep getting up after being knocked down. He just shows me the wisdom of detachment, of having fun, being relaxed, takin it easy, chillin. I'm not sure I could embrace this ideology wholeheartedly, but it's a viewpoint that I've sorely missed in my education. There are always pressures to do all those things listed earlier, and it's hard to say that goals like 'changing the world' aren't worth pursuing. Still, I dunno. I'm not sure about the overarching morality of it all.
It's hard because I don't want to be 'lazy,' I want to 'contribute to society in a productive manner.' But it's those very ideas that sometimes seem probematic to me. Maybe the real problem is that I think too much, at least about abstract things.

irreconcilabe goods, continued

2006-08-03T15:50:00.000-07:00

Part of what motivated me to join the Peace Corps and what was inclining me toward going into International Human Rights law was a Utilitarian like view of morality, under which the good was unitary (the prevention of pain/suffering, or the promotion of happiness) and that it was our responsibility to maximize that good. More or less, under my reading of Utilitarianism (influenced by Peter Singer), humanity's greatest moral charge is the alleviation of global poverty, for people in the third world (and/or those whose human rights are routinely violated) experience the greatest amount of pain/suffering in the world.
Honestly, even at this point I think it's hard to argue against that view. but over time I became more and more disillusioned with it, mostly because under this sort of view, the vast majority of people come out as not living particularly moral lives. Granted, a lot of people don't live moral lives, but, well, a lot of people that seemed like pretty stand-up folks come out looking poorly under the Utilitarian view (as I interpreted it at least).
The examples are innumerable, so I'll try to just whittle it down to a principle: very few people, regardless of how civically active they are, or concerned about their neighbors, their family, or their nation, very few people take it upon themselves to fight global poverty. And well, I dunno, it's very hard to dedicate your life to that, and I think that saying that "being moral is sometimes hard" doesn't quite do justice to the issue at hand.
Which takes me to the meta-ethical principle that runs basically as follows: whatever the good is, it must result in a sizable proportion of human beings coming out as being good people. Lame maybe, but it's all I got for now.

wha???

2006-08-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

I was looking through some materials about law school, specifically about becoming a professor, and was surprised to find the following:

Over the last fifteen years, the criteria for hiring law professors have changed dramatically.
Traditionally, law schools were looking for applicants that:

• Attended an elite school
• Had been an officer on the law review
• Received exceedingly high grades
• Clerked for an elite circuit judge (2nd or D.C. Cir.) and preferably the Supreme Court

These attributes (or some of them) are still regarded highly by many faculty appointments
committees, but are increasingly less important. In their place, two other accomplishments are increasingly valued in the market. One is having a Ph.D. in an ancillary field of study. The other, more important one, is having already produced some scholarly work.

From time to time I've thought that teaching would be a good match for me, but my approach to getting there was (apparently) completely off. I figured that I needed to, more than anything else, get awesome grades and make law review. I understand why that's no longer the focus of the hiring, and I guess it's more important that I have 'research interests,' and write extensively. Glad I found this out early.

irreconcilabe goods

2006-08-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had one of those Java Chip blended drinks at Starbucks (after putting off the craving for months). One of the unintended consequences of this was having way too much energy for the rest of the day.
One result of this rush was coming to the belief that there are various irreconcilable goods to which humans may choose to strive to maximize in their lives, and there's really very little objective criteria upon which to choose any particular one. Not too surprisingly, I guess we all look at our own values and preferences and choose accordingly. (there's more to be said here, but I've only worked out the basics)

movie/book review

2006-08-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

My two-week netflix trial ended, and I was not entirely impressed. My biggest peeve was that some of the movies weren't stored in the nearest shipment facility (Pittsburgh), and thus I had to wait longer not only to receive the DVDs, but when I sent those DVDs back it took longer for them to recognize that I had in fact returned them. That being said, the subscription would still be a deal in that I would pay less if I watched a couple movies a month, they have a wide selection, and for the most part their delivery is quick. The biggest downfall I guess is that when I am most likely to get a movie is if I have a friend over or something, and we head out together and get something to watch. Or I guess any other "I want to watch a movie tonight" situations. I'm not sure if that's really enough to keep Blockbuster-type shops open, but at least in a lot of areas where fluency with the Internet is lower, I think the shops can still thrive.
The last two movies I watched were Maria Full of Grace and City of God. Of the two, which were both excellent, I preferred the first because it was a bit closer to my heart. I could not only understand most of the Spanish, but the these of immigration and the circumstances surrounding it resonated with my experiences in El Salvador. The one point that I felt important was that the main character leaves Colombia not because she can't make any money and is starving for work, but because she doesn't like the opportunities open to her and wants something better. Sometimes I feel that the mesage we receive about immigrants is that they are leaving a life of desperate poverty in order to have a chance to feed themselves; in reality, for better or for worse, the poorest of the poor rarely have the social or monetary capital to get anywhere, and the ones that do get out are the ones who have a sufficient if not excessive amount of both.
As to books, I just finished reading The Botany of Desire and The End of the Line, a book about the deindustrialization of a small town in Wisconsin. Both were decent, interesting, and worth reading. But my first thought after getting back into non-fiction is that there is just too much out there for me to learn about and I'm not sure where to start...

lull before the storm

2006-07-28T13:41:00.000-07:00

the past couple weeks have been just SO relaxing, with the movies and the books and the exercise (less the exercise). At times maybe I do feel self-indulgent, but then I remember that, starting in about 3 weeks, I will be studying and working non-stop for at least the next 3 years. Sure, I'll have vacation time, but summers will be spent working and, from what I hear, school time will be spent doing an insane amount of studying (at least for the first year or so).
As far as I'm concerned, gotta enjoy life while I can now, and hopefully then also.

pre-law thoughts

2006-07-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

As Law School's opening day nears, I can't help but think about 'what I'd like to accomplish' in my time there. There are the basics, the vitals as far as I'm concerned, which deal with trying to stay healthy, enjoying myself, pursuing my interests, and trying my best in school. But at the same time it's hard to get away from thinking about results that I wouldn't mind either, like doing really well in my classes, getting public service scholarships, maybe making law review etc.
It's this latter thinking that I find frustrating. Because as much as I may think about it, and will it, and wish it, it's simply of no use. I'll go in, I'll try my hardest, and we'll see what happens, right? If I don't have the knack for it, or more likely if I'm just not as smart as many of the other kids there, then well, so be it. It may be a knock to my self-esteem, but I'll just have to cope.
As an undergrad I got pretty good at just trying to learn and enjoy myself intellectually; I imagine I'll be able to do the same in CA.

first strike

2006-07-26T13:42:00.000-07:00

I got a haircut today, and the best part about it was that I did not go to the mall. I've been getting more and more anti-mall as of late, and pro-'local' shops. So I looked up barbers in the local phonebook, picked one that seemed like it was near me, and cold-called them.
Not that everything was as easy as going to the mall. When I first talked to the guy, I asked where his shop was, and he told me what street it was on (which I knew from looking in the phone book). The problem was that I didn't know where that street was. He gave me directions based on other landmarks (that I also didn't recognize) and we left it at that.
After not too long of a search, I found the place, parked on some random back road (I think unfortunately in someone's yard), and got a hell of a haircut. And I just felt good doing it. The guy had had his shop for like 40 years, real nice, owned the place himself. A good experience.
Local people work at the mall too, granted. Local people work at Walmart also, for that matter. I dunno, some part of me just sympathizes with the locally owned establishments, almost irrespective of their products...

more books

2006-07-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Finished reading Invisible Man (by Ellison, not Wells) and Mystic River.
Of the two, I'd have to say I preferred Mystic River. Great story, great character development, great characters really. Plot moved really smoothly, nothing superfluous. All in all, very good.
Invisible Man, yes, it was about more serious themes. Not so much about the story. And it was certainly interesting (and from my puny understanding, groundbreaking) in it's portrayal and analysis of race. A valuable book without a doubt.
Up next...Lord of the Flies.

lying and lawyering

2006-07-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a bit about why lawyers are oftentimes thought to be unethical, and that the profession as a whole is not thought of as being wholesome.
One thing that came to mind is that in the field of law there is no certain connection between what you believe and what you are advocating. It is not the job or the responsibility of a lawyer to decide upon the guilt or innocence of his client; his task is basically to present to the best of his ability and within constraints of procedure his client's side of the case at hand.
There's nothing fundamentally wrong with that, but it is bothersome on face to argue for something, to try to convince others of the truth of something in which you yourself don't believe. That just seems to strike very close to 'lying' as a profession, the only difference being that as a lawyer people don't (or at least ought not) assume that you are professing your beliefs in the courtroom. But is that any solace? The only reason that people wouldn't consider you a liar is because they simply imagine that your words aren't connected to your beliefs in the first place?
(I define 'lying' as presenting one's beliefs as one thing while knowing that they are in fact another).